Coachella Fellas

So all the gals came together at Asia de Cuba for some some really over-priced, pretentious - yet pretty - food, and to rehash Coachella stories, of course. All of us were in attendance including two of our favorite Frenchies, Brigitte and Menage'. So a couple cocktails into it the pesto shrimp finally arrives and the story telling is in full swing. With a reservation at the fancy La Quinta resort, Jordan and Sadie cut out early on Friday to get their VIP on at Coachella-ella-ella. After a an evening of concerts in the desert heat, the girls were ready to get back to the hotel and change to head out to Palm Springs for the big T-Mobile bash (intense heat+alcohol+no water+no sleep = .....well one freaking amazing weekend of course). But how to get back to the hotel?, they got a ride with some "friends" to the grounds and somewhere along the way lost them - and that's a looong walk back, my friends. So taking a page out of Sadie's handbook, Jordan decides that they're going to hitch a ride back. From that wise sage Sadie, Jordan learned that you only show a little leg for Range Rovers (preferably black ones, but any color is ultimately ok). Right?, any one who drives a Range has to be trustworthy - turns out, yeah! and super hot. So anyway, amazingly, Mark and Brad were also headed back to the La Quinta *coicnidenceface* and were more than willing to give the girls a lift. While Sadie went in to shower, Mark and Jordan got to "talking" in their room, but the conversation ended just in time for all to head off to the T Mobile bash.

Now at this point in the story, we're well into our entrees and Menage' excuses herself from the table, presumably to go shoot up in the bathroom- cuz well, that's Manage, but we love her despite her Amy Winehouse tendencies. You know the difference between her and Amy?... Menage' make smack look good ;) As soon as Menage' returns, Jordan can't wait to dish about how Sadie made besties with Brandon Boyd over the weekend. They first met at the party and then ran into each other in VIP again on Saturday because we all know VIP is one incestuous pool of.....incest, I'm not gonna lie. It's like 6 degrees of separation but with chlamydia. Its like the regular version of the game, but like, way more fun. Let's just say Brandon got familiar with Sadie's incubus. So later Saturday night Jordan made it a point to attend the concert of, a certain hottie, let's call him Schnark Schnonson (kinda British, kinda amazing, kinda super hot). So the girls made camp off to the side of the stage just in eye shot of Mr. Schnonson. Part way through his set, they realized Schnark kept looking over in their general vicinity...hmm. For the rest of the show, his cute little head would cock, ever-so-slightly, to take a glimpse over stage left. Was it a tick? Does Schnark have tourettes? My sources tell me negative....and here's why. After his set, the girls went for some water (and by water I mean vodka) in VIP - and who was there, but none other than the yummy Mr. Schnonson. Jordan schmoozed her fellow J so good, that he didn't know what hit him - they talked music, London, and well, I don't really care what else because after that stint in VIP Schnark and Jord were inseparable. It was a memorable weekend to be sure...and what lessons do we learn from Coachella? 1) Strap on a guitar and you're sure to get the ladies...2) A liquid diet in the desert sun is no bueno....and 3) flying pigs don't get that far (look it up, kids). All I have to say is I sure hope Jordan told Schnark to tell Amy, to Just Say No!

Shoots and Ladders

Someone once told me that the dynamic between guys and girls can be explained simply by Shoots and Ladders. Nowthis person gave me entry into the male psyche (scary stuff) which was only fleeting but boy, have his words hit home with each passing day. Ok, so now to the good stuff, this wise sage explained to me that women have 2 ladders - a friend one and a more-than-friends one (with each rung representing the level of intensity to which they want to be your friend slash rip your clothes off). Goys, however, have 1 ladder - "even firemen?", I asked - no, not really I didn't. So this 1 ladder is a more-than-friends ladder, made up only of girls with whom they want to hook up. Oh guys, sooo complex... simply put: girls can be friends with guys, while guys, well they'll only acknowledge you if they want to see you naked. Guys don't do friends (seriously, the show should have been called "F*ck Buddies", right, with all the hooking up...guess that didn't fly so well with the network). So just like when a negative number is multiplied by a positive one you [sometimes, thanks Mean Girls] or always get a negative one, you never get a friendhship when you multiply a girl and a guy together (the exception being a straight women and a gay man). I love my math analogies. Anyhoo, so does that mean "When Harry Met Sally" really is the wisest movie of all time? Damn, I wish someone could have told me that when I was like 7 and first saw the movie - would have saved me sooo much trouble.

So these are the things running through my head when Sadie says she was just trying to be nice and friendly to Awkward Boys. RHR somehow made his way over to our full apartment the other night, sitting himself down next to Sadie while we watched some TV. So too-cool-for-school RHR is so not interested in the tube and asks Sadie if she's got anything and I quote "more interesting in her room?" Really, RHR? Are we 12, is this the first time you've ever been around a girl you had a crush on? Maybe you should have just come over wearing a shirt saying "Hey, Sadie, can I get in your pants?" So little effort, finesse, or originality put into this one RHR; so Sadie's all like no, not really, a TV, a bed, and a computer. Suck on that! So then, like the second I leave the room RHR makes his move, he leans in and plants one on Sadie before she can duck and dodge. Awkward boy pulls back and stares in for, like, ever. And then, he goes in for the kill again. Oh no, boy. Not this time - so what does Sadie do? She uses one of the oldest tricks in the book - not not "Ive got herpes" but close, she told him "it's getting late". So RHR sees himself out but not before turning awkwardly at the door and staring one last time. Sadie may have been high on his ladder but she definitely wanted off, asap (see above picture).

Why are guys so myopic, why is friendship or even the thought that other people (ie women) might only be thinking friends so foreign? - are they really that self-obsessed and big headed? You ruin it it for everyone, guys. Shit, gurl! Or in this case - shoots, gurl!

Blame the MGMT

Spotted: Emmerson - going at it with someone who is totally not P-H. Ahh...the joys of camera phones. A happy Passover to you all....I'm coming to you with a very special update indeed, because just as our ancestors were fleeing Egypt, Emmerson is fleeing her fledgling relationship with P-H. I guess her fear (and achem, alcohol) finally got to her. As seen above, these two were making some beautiful music of their own at the MGMT concert this weekend as they went at it hardcore amongst the throngs of scantily clad, moshy young folks (talking 'bout the young style). Oh, Emmerson...does this mean you really are eager to move past sweet-as-pie P-H, or are you just getting it out of your system before you (dare I say the word) commit? All bets are on the latter, especially given recent behavior around P-H - but still, we didn't think you had it in you (insert dirty pun here). On a scale of 1-10 I'm gonna say that Concert Boy was a fairly good kisser and ranked around an 8. I mean an A+ to be sure for enthusiasm and vigor - by the looks of things you could have easily sustained whiplash from that encounter. Kudos for being so gung-ho and really going for it. You gung-ho! So...to tell P-H, or not to tell P-H of your momentary, and I do mean momentary (QLY) infidelity? Though I'm usually about the truth, in this case I have to say that ignorance is bliss for little P-H - especially since you're only going to be running back to his J-Crew arms this week...and most likely be there for some time to come. All I have to say is good thing he didn't accept your pathetic attempt at an invitation to the concert. Can you imagine intoxicated Emmerson getting freaky with Concert Boy right in front of P-H's eyes? Now that's a level of awkwardness which is uncharted territory even to Awkward Boys. Peace out, here's to hoping Em can put this little indiscretions behind her...

Awkward Boys

Are people born this way, do they acquire this trait over time after several traumatic interactions with other beings of the human race? Why are people, as like to call them, SA (Socially Awkward)? And most importantly do 2 SA people make a tots normal interaction (like ugly people making pretty kids), or a painfully, tooth-pullingly awkward one? Those times when you’re walking along and there’s a person walking towards you and you go to the right to avoide them – but then they also go that direction, and then there’s a dash the other way – but that’s what they also do. Imagine that over and voer and over again….with the same person. All things that I have been pondering the last few months as I and my posse have constantly been running into Awkward Neighbors. But after last night’s episode, I have decided this issue needs to be brought to the forefront. These various encounters I can liken to hmmm…lets go with, a see-saw. Most of the time it’s excruciatingly awkward encounter in the parking garage (hi, I’m right behind you, hold the door open for me) or, long silences and then awkward exits from the elevator (umm…don’t just stand there right in front of me blocking the door). Oh and how is it that they make you feel like an ass for asking for your plate back that they borrowed and have had for a month. It’s really an art form. Kudos, guys. But then there is the occasional normal interaction (picking up something I dropped, a smooth transition into a normal, everyday exchange of pleasantries). So what do I make of these gents? And how is it that ALL of them are this SA. Is it contagious and did they pass it on to one another when they moved in together like, Mono…or you know, VD? And would you believe that they’re this bad at human interaction and yet one of them actually has a girlfriend. But my favorite parts, are the seriously awk hangout sessions that take place. Like RHR coming to our apartment, hanging in our doorway for a few moments, and then coming in and making himself at home while we all make dinner. It’ kind of like when you’re at the zoo and you’re watching this poor large animal meander aimlessly around in this small, unnatural setting. That’s mostly what’s its like to watch the Awk Neighbors.

But the latest and greatest adventures in awkwardness came the other night when Sadie had to borrow something from them and poor little RHR was sitting in the darkness of his apartment finishing up a movie. – alone. “D…do you – maybe you wanna – you can hang out if you want”. T-t-t-today, Junior! Spit it out SA one. So and “Um, that’s cool” and a quick return home later, Sadie receives a text to come hang out…. With that, Sadie returns to hang with RHR. First, he gives her an awkward tour of the apartment she’s already been to, then, a little tickling of the ivories, and finally some chatting infused with really long silences while he lays on his bed. So is this like a date, RHR, are you trying to make a move? Cuz if you are, this is taking a really long time and you suck at it ps, and if you aren’t then again, this is just a really awkward situation with Sadie watching you lay on your bed, while she tries to avoid seriously uncomfortable silences. I mean really, what could be more misleading and awkward then a conversation that takes place on a bed (I mean really people, we’re not at a night club here). What happens though when an empty apartment quickly turns into one full of SA boys, after all the roomies return home? RHR jokes to Sadie about how he has to stop putting the moves on her….really? (Sadie, did you lead him on? – you vixen, you) That requires a courtesy –but really I’m a little scared and confused-laugh. It goes something likes this….. “hehe” (cue the slight smile while you look at RHR, after which the eyes dart around for the nearest exits). Well, now that we’re all “friends”, I’m sure there weill plenty more awkward encounters with the SA boys.

A family Affair

Tried and true signs you're somebody's girlfriend: 1. They stop dating other people and only date you 2. They take you out to a dinner with all their other friend-couples and last but not least, 3. They invite you to their family birthday dinner with Mom. Oh yeah, no escaping this one Emmerson, you are officially Princeton-Harvard's girlfriend whether you know it or not. It's been a while since we've had an Em and P-H update so let me bring you all up to speed. After a month, 2 out of 3 of these signs had come to fruition and we all tried to warm Em, but she refused to come to terms. I mean isn't the rule, until you've had "that conversation" things aren't official? - Everyone knows these are the rules, come on, P-H did you miss Princeton's class on dating rules 101? So let me tell ya'll about this little birthday bash with the fam. Emmerson arrived at STK for the dreaded dinner, where she was greeted by P-H in the parking lot, his family straggling behind. Eager to meet the elusive Miss Emmerson, P-H's mom rushed to the car to meet the young lady stealing her little ivy-league boy's heart. Bombarded by Mom as she got out her car, Emmerson had absolutely no time to get her bearings. Not cool. Advantage: Mom. P-H's bday present was chilling on the passenger seat when it was spotted by a buoyant Mom. Can't leave that there. Too quick for Emmerson, Mom grabs it out of the car, all the while Emmerson yelling "No! No!" in her head. *Uh Oh face* So the whole gang's chilling at dinner, when P-H's bday cake arrives. The singing erupts and Em finally gets a chance to read the cakes' greeting: Happy Birthday P-H, love Mom, Grandpa, and Emmerson. *Screatching breaks coming to a hault* Love, Emmerson?....love, Emmerson? Where was the memo on this one? Isn't it still too early for Mom to be going ahead and including Emmerson on family things like this? I mean not if she wants to scare Emmerson away, then it's tots brilliant - touche Mom (but I don't think that was her twisted plan). It's present time! Yay, my fav, I love presents. One from Mom, one from Grandpa...those were all boring. Time to get to the good stuff, bring on Em's present. All together now, "Oy"! Mom is beaming with pride, P-H has finally found his girl. The wrapping paper comes off, the box lifts open......it's a RED CROTCHLESS TEDDY. Happy birthday P-H, Emmerson's giving you herself on your special day. Mom don't look to happy now, and Grandpa doesn't even know what's going on. Goooodtimes. Wish I could have been there to experience this joyful event in person.

After dinner: a "special talk" with Mom at P-H's Mom's house. Emmerson on one end of the couch, P-H on the other, and Mom, smack dab in the middle. You could cut the awkwardness with a knife. It's fantastic. Side note - run Em. Run. P-H is clearly still a momma's boy. Def not good. Back to story. What kernels of wisdom did Mom have to impart on the two young lovers? And I quote, "I know you might think you can reuse a condom 2 or even 3 times, well that's just not true. I'm sure you're a very nice girl, dear but I just want to make sure that you kids are safe (hmmm...wonder if Mom learned that the hard way. Can you say P-H = Accident?). In order to detox from this horrific event, P-H took Em to go meet some of his friends for drinks at his fav bar. Em called me to come meet them. I could hardly keep myself from busting out laughing when I pulled up to the bar which sat between Princeton and Harvard avenues in Santa Monica (Truthity, I kid you not. There's no way I could make this stuff up). Walking into this place was like walking into another world, P-H's friends were like little clones of himself. They were all blazer wearing - jcrew looking - I was head oarsman of the rowing team at Princeton types. But here's the catch, they're all Cali born and bred. Curious. Can a SoCali - beach going girl ever make it with a East Coast wannabe prepster? Only time will tell. OMG, it's like Romeo and Juliet or something. I gest, anyhoo, drink up Em, only copious amounts of alcohol can erase the train wreck that was meeting Mom.

2ts, 1t, 0ts

So four score and seven years ago I last wrote an entry, but all good things are worth waiting for, kids. The question floating in my head recently - well at least one of the questions (I have many you know) - is why play like you're interested if you're not? We've all read He's Just Not That Into You - I get it. But what really pisses us girls off is when guys go out of their way to pretend they're interested and then out of nowhere the follow through isn't there. We (and yes, I'm speaking on behalf of all women-kind here) would be totally fine if this were the case all along and the behavior corresponded, but it wasn't in this particular case, and that my friend, is why women think all men are a-holes. Can I get an Amen?! Sorry, that was a lot of pent up aggression. Anyhoo, so lets start with 2ts....Jordan decided she was into him and not only that but that his band was kind of a good time. So off Jordan went to 2ts' next concert, wing-[wo]man at her side (aka her friend, Jackie). So, show ends, they're clearing the stage, time is ticking, 2ts exits the side door with his equipment - that's Jordan's cue. From what I hear the encounter went something like this, "Hey, 2ts", he turns, sees her, and lays the biggest hug on her you've ever seen. 2t speaks: "I'm so glad you came!" Not that this little chat isn't precious but blah, blah, blah, fastforward - a cute chat, lots of hair touching, foot tapping, and bear hugging (all on his part ps) later he asks if Jordan is sticking around because he has to leave for a minute....2t returns and the hugs and flirtatious chatting continue (Jackie, coolly hanging back, taking it all in - yeah, that's not awkward). Well as the convo winds down Jordan gets out while the gettin's still good, but not before 2ts gets in one last parting hug....peace out. Game well played.

Back to that later. 1t - Hey, Sadie do you have a place for me to crash at tonight?, asks 1t as he makes one of his infrequent trips to civilization after returning from a 3 week trek through Africa. Sadie's resposonse: If you just need a couch I know a really great freeway overpass. Ouch! - but rightfully so! A text here and there from the road when it's convenient for him, a place to crash when he's in town for 2.2 - hell, he doesn't even deserve the 1t he has. It should be taken away, he should be 0t. What does this have to do with 2ts, well it brings me back to my overall point that all ts - whether it be 1, 2, or hell, even 3ts - should be stripped. With no response from 2ts (really? really?), not even a middle finger and an "f-you" out the car window as he speeds by (I mean some response is better than no response - am I wrong?), he is clearly undeserving of his ts too. So where does this leave us then? - with two very miffed women and a 25 letter alphabe. Till next time my Marnistoners.