Splish, Splash

What’s the most creative way a guy’s ever hit on you? I bet there are some interesting stories, but Jordan’s potential was awfully creative . So we were all at a really big dinner party last weekend and we were sitting across from this guy, 2t’s (who Jordan can’t decided if she has a crush on, we’ll get to that later though), and his friend, Sweater Boy. So we all chatted through the excruciatingly lengthy dinner, and as it turned out Sweater Boy seemed a bit smitten with Jordan. Now the alcohol was free flowing at this party and suffice it to say, young, slightly-tipsy people and a myriad of open bottles slash full glasses don’t mix. Jordan’s new yellow trench coat would agree. See sweater boy is less than smooth and while attempting to negotiate his chair, he knocked the table and an entire bottle of red wine and a glass of coke (yes both, he’s super talented) on to Jordan. Yikes. In a split second everyone and their mother was throwing napkins at Jordan, but a napkin can’t take the red wine out of your underwear, nor can it out of your yellow coat…..uber sadface. Sweater Boy apologized profusely and Jordan graciously said she was ok, even though she was steaming eep inside (she had just removed the tags from the coat, before going out that night). Sweater Boy kept apologizing and slyly threw in, “Hey, let’s exchange phone numbers and I can pay for your dry cleaning.” Smooth….That little trick didn’t go unnoticed and the phone number comment was equally slyly brushed over by Jordan. No thanks Sweater Boy, not interested, unless you want to make up for your faux paus by handing over your fantastic grandpa sweater. No? Not so much…well then nevermind. Suck it hard, Swearter Boy! Suck it hard. For the rest of the night Sweater boy had the saddest little look on his face- head in hands, he looked like someone had just run over his dog. Sweater Boy’s friend 2t’s aptly suggested to his friend that he stop apologizing because Jordan’s constant barrage of “I’m Fine” –s were really laden with another sentiment and any more atonement would just anger the sleeping beast. Well played 2t’s – you must have sisters. While we’re on the subject of 2t’s….he’s skinny, tall, and slightly rocker – sometimes when you look at him he’s cute, and sometimes he just looks like an old man. It’s curious, thus Jordan’s confusedness. However, as she explains it, despite her not always finding him attractive, she’s still attracted TO him. She wondered how this could be because despite her best attempts, her shalloweness usually sets in and this never happens. Is she growing? I told her no; She just found her besheret (that’s her meant-to-be for all you non-J’s). Ha. Yeah. Anyway we’re taking a little field trip this weekend to attend 2t’s concert (yeah I know, he’s in a band, shocker), so we’ll see what comes of this confusing little crush.

P.s. 2t’s….that’s how it’s done folks, with two of them. I asked, and 2t’s didn’t understand the whole 1t thing, he thought 1t’s were stupid too. Just saying…

Look, But Don't Touch

Hello kiddies, sorry I’ve been away so long, I bet you feel more abandoned than Britney Spear’s kids. My apologies. I’m back with some more juiciness. Last night’s lunar eclipse not only brought out the crazies, but it brought out Emmerson’s newest man, Princeton-Harvard, as well. We, the lovely roommates finally got to meet one of Em’s elusive suitors, and this one may be the mother of them all – wealthy, tall, strapping and almost two-times Ivy league educated (pretentious much?). And can you believe he’s also just the nicest of guys to boot?! So in keeping with the evening the two journeyed to Griffith Observatory to watch the lunar eclipse and join the (geeky) star party happenings over there. Ya ya ya…at least it was an original date (it can’t be duplicated for another 7 years I hear) But I’m getting ahead of myself here, so let’s back up a bit. See Em had decided last week that despite her two previous dates with P-H, she was done with dating for a while – she wasn’t ready (and lets face it there are no men emotionally strong enough to endure all of Em’s berating) So to make this sort of unwelcomed date more bearable and to try a little experiment, Emmerson took the advice of a friend and decided to go the relig route to dating. So while this mostly means no touching at all, Em’s going with a slightly modified verision of only hugging….to start. Ok, now I can move forward. So the date….it was good, Em didn’t make P-H cry and he bought her dinner. But Em was thrown for a loop when P-H mentioned casually that he was being stalked by one of her friends….yikes. That’s a tricky situation to navigate. I personally would go with the “she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend” route…that’s always a safe bet. So the two lovebirds sat under the moon and discussed life, love, and all the rest – with Em doing the occasional nod and smile because of P-H's penchant for using big words that only the Ivy-educated understand. Well played, Em! So then the night draws to a close and P-H walks little Emmerson to her door. So what now? She can’t close the night with a kiss can she?...she’s playing the whole relig card. But she had a really good time and wants to make sure P-H knows it….tough call….oh no, he’s leaning in…..too late, there’s the hug. And as he looks longingly into Emmerson’s eyes leaning in for a kiss, what does Em do?, does she lean in too and relent? Nope, she lays another hug on the boy. Lame. All is well though because shortly after P-H left he texted Em to let her know what a great time he had. Could the relig thing actually work?... something to think about.

Yummy McBiblethumper

Oh, Yummy.....the story of Yummy McBiblethumper is epic. The story starts back a couple months ago when The Initials were playing a concert. Jordan was hanging on stage after her show as the band was cleaning up. As the crowd meandered out Jordan spotted Yummy who was walking out ever so slowly hoping to catch her eye. See, she had spotted Yummy earlier during the concert and the two had been having eye sex (that little slut) all night long (at some point, Jordan tells me, she almost had a mishap keeping time - it was that intense) Anyhoo, they got to chatting and really hit it off; now don't get me wrong they talked at length and in depth, but when I say 'hit it off' what I really mean was that Yummy here was the absolute perfect combination of the sooo cute boy next door with an adorable smile and southern charm, and the soo incredibly hot model you just passed on a billboard and would give anything to rub your hands over his abs just once. That My friends is Yummy. Yeah I know you're jealous too. So Jord and Yummy left together and embarked on a marathon date - the really adorable- talk for hours about nothing- kind you only see in a movie-type of date. He took her for coffee at the fabulously funky and laidback Bourgeois Pig where they laughed, snuggled and talked till they closed the place down. The rest of the night was spent on the beach in Santa Monica watching the sunrise (blah - I think I just threw up in my mouth a little). But in more exciting news, this is apparently where the much storied-abs were first seen. The residue of this fabulous date (eww I just realized...no that wasn't a euphemism people) spilled over into the next couple of weeks as lengthy phone calls and suggestive texts were exchanged.

Then one fateful night Yummy called Jordan...all seemed normal until somehow (that sly fox) Yummy delved into the issue of god. Uh oh - bad move. He got on some tangent about how everything great in his life has come to him because of god - and not just any god - he's Christian . I'm thinking you can guess where this conversation went next. That's right, Yummy started hardcore pitching Jesus and Christianity to Jordan - what?!?!? After trying to be nice and several attempts at being like" that's great, good for you, but I'm Jew", Jordan couldn't take it anymore, especially after Yummy tried desperately to get her to come to a church event with him. In order to get her to go he so kindly offered to go to "some Jewish thing" with her....I'm sorry, that's not how it works. That's not something she (or anyone I can think of actually) would make someone else do. Live and let live, I say. So after arguing with Yummy McBiblethumper for 2 hours and explaining to him forcing others into her religion is never something she would do he finally subsided and they parted ways. Gosh ,Yummy, why did you have to go and ruin things? It could have been beautiful this thing that you and Jordan could have had - but no, instead you had to pull the conversion card. What a waste - he still owes her a spooning....

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

Do you ever have one of those days you wish you could have lived over? - like what if you were 30 minutes late for something, and then your entire day would have been totally different. Well, that was my Monday. So with that in mind I now move on. Last time I left you there had been some salacious text messaging (possibly involving body shots and ass slapping) between Sadie and 1t but he was just sooo far away. Well apparently 1t made his way to LA and let me tell you, he made good on those text messages. How do I know this, you ask? Is it cuz Sadie told me - not quite. Nope, unfortunately, I witnessed it all first hand. Instead of having come home when I did, why didn't I stop at the grocery store, or go get my Coffee Bean fix? god knows I could always use a little more gas in the tank. But no, I came straight home....stupid, stupid me. Maybe a tie on the door next time, Sadie - just a thought ;) I opened the front door to find an open bottle of Jose and one of Absolut along side some shot glasses. Then, very much to my surprise, what did I find but a less-than-fully-dressed, good ol 1t tied up on the balcony. Where was Sadie? - In her room (probably getting skanked up in her target lingerie....who knew, right?) The look on 1t's face was priceless, I wish I had a camera *naked-s&m-deer caught in the headlights face* Enter Sadie (hello, goodbuy - I was right, by the way). I don't think I've ever seen anyone's head on a swivel quite like Sadie's - she looked at me, her jaw dropped, then she looked at 1t, and then back at me. BTW, the pink polka dot leather was totally working for you Sade. Now by this point I'm over the shock of the whole situation and I'm just relishing the sheer awkwardness of the situation for the other two, and have realized that I have a camera phone...ahh black mail material, goodtimes. So that was my night, just another manic Monday.

No Shirt. No Jews. No Service.

Riddle me this....what does it say about our tribe if one of the best Jdates you've had, was with a non-J? Nothing good, I'll tell you that. This weekend brought about an impromptu road trip to San Fran. So we all packed in the car for a weekend filled with midnight rendezvous on the fire escape, 2am tap dancing in Union Square, getting lost in H&M, bottomless mimosas in Castro, and the thought - that at some point - maybe we should get ponchos...*suggestion face*. In the 6+ hours we had to kill on the car ride there Jordan regaled us with her latest and greatest J-dating adventure, the non-Jdate (if you will). Her first doubt about this guy's membership in the tribe came when she learned his name (you would think Christian would be a dead give away - j/k, not quite). We'll just call him S. Nevertheless, Jordan had made the date and how rude would it be to cancel on such a cutie based on un-founded suspicion - she had to learn for herself if he had been the kind to ever come face to...ehemm with a mohel in his young life. So she went of course. Even better looking in real life than his pictures (I'm sorry, does that ever actually happen?), S, looked like the less C-listy version of Jesse Metcalf (aka the shirtless, lawn-mowing wonder from Desperate Housewives). Dead give away #2 - I mean jackpot! Somewhere between the movie watching and the making out (quick work, Jord) S let it slip that his people didn't necessarily wander through the desert for 40 (unless you count a Jewish grandma on the "better half" of the family), and wondered if that was a deal breaker for Jordan? *Pondering really hard - cuz he's sooo cute - and how severe of a heart attack would my mom have - and then after her recovery, in exactly what manner would she kill me - face* I mean I know there's this huge push for equality and all but can't Jew-date make some non-prosecutable-but ever so suggestive- statement on the website disuading all the non-J's? I mean is it not hard enough to find a decent Jewish man in real life, do the non-J's have to invade the tribe's internet space as well? Ranting, sorry. So while Jordan didn't exactly tell S she was all for his non-J self, she didn't exactly tell him she'd never see him again either....so cute and so cuddly, how could she say no to him especially after he asked so somberly, "does that mean you won't even be my friend?" After a successful first date, and the promise of another one, here's to non- J "friends"....I guess!

Double Booking

As the saying goes, the only thing you need to get a date is....another date. And it wasn't more true than in Emmerson's case last night. After hitting the books hard in preparation for some good times with the GRE's, Emmerson was planning to get her freak on by going out on not one, but two dates in one night. What? you say, the gumption!, how could she be so inconsiderate? Please, guys do it all the time. So kudos, to you, Emmerson. Anyhoo, so Spikey-Hair Boy was to pick Emmerson up from the apartment and take her out for a little food and drink action, and then shortly after being dropped off back at home she was going to meet up with date #2, Improv Boy for some tea time at Urth. So, big surprise when a late-to-pick-her-up Spikey-Hair Boy decides to take Emmerson to Urth for their date (great, Urth back to back - a little dating deja vu, anyone? - but whatevs, Emmerson's sure there are worse things she could suffer through). So date #1 is going fairly well - they sit, they eat, they talk....a while, then they sip their oolong (ever-so-preteniously)...The date is going long now, and Emmerson starts to get a little nervous - she's supposed to meet Improv at 9:30, it's now 9:15. Craptastic! She can't seem to shut Spikey-Hair up and Miss Manners finds it super awkward to text Improv to tell him a later time or another place right there in front of Spikey-Hair. Uh oh...too late....there's Improv, about to make his way up the steps at to go into Urth when he spots Emmerson out on the patio with Spikey-Hair. Busted! Dammit, why couldn't Spikey-Hair have suggested the Melrose location? does everyone and their mother have to come to the one on Beverly? I'm mean really, people! So Improv, clearly jilted, and Spikey-Hair, clearly confused (and then upset once he put his little head around the situation) start a little fisticuff action before deciding to turn their anger on poor little I'm-not-a-vixen-I-promise Emmerson. "How could she?" "Why is she such a slore?" (put your two favorite synonyms for trollup together and you'll get what I'm talking about) So many questions, so little attention span, or willingness to care...somewhere amidst Spikey-Hair's and Improv's whinning, Emmerson casually got up from the table and trotted off *ambivalent face*; the two boys were left to pick up the tab and bicker like little girls. She walked down the street for a bit (until she was out of sight of course) and then she called me to come pick her up. So perhaps we should amend the saying: all you need to get a date is...another one, just not on the same night. So there I was coming to the rescue, and getting a great bit of fodder for the Marni Stone in the process ;)

Jdate?...no, Jdisaster

I was having a late lunch with Jordan at Newsroom today when she told me about the sheer train-wreck that was her date last night. After having exchanged numerous emails with Breathing guy, and then a couple phone calls the two decided to get together. Breathing guy liked to talk a lot (which Jordan thought might be good since she preferred...well not to talk, generally). But she couldn't shake the feeling that his incessant talking was maybe more than chattiness and fell somewhere more along the lines of creepiness for whatever reason. Jordan told me she now knows always to trust her gut. But so the date was off, and the two met up for tea in Hollywood. Breathing guy talked, and talked, and was more than awkward, and was definitely - as Jordan had initially thought - creepy. Jordan downed her tea in her eagerness to get the hell out of there; but Breathing guy was taking his sweet-ass time (probably due to all his yapping). Finally, he finished and he walked Jordan back to her car when, when with the thought of the date ending, he was suddenly struck with sadness pangs. Breathing guy suggested a movie at the nearby Arclight, which Jordan brushed off with a "I have to get up really early tomorrow" (come on guys, that's the universal sign the girl's not into you and wants to get home asap). However, Breathing guy was not having any of this and basically pulled Jordan away, taking her hand with his clammy paw. They walked over to the Arclight. After deliberating on the movie, Breathing guy bought tickets for what turned out to be the longest movie ever made! In the seclusion of the dark, hermetically sealed theater, Breathing guy made his move: first, the hand massaging (that apparently went on all three hours of the movie). If I were Jordan, there would have been an exchange somewhat akin to this: Excuse me, Breathing guy, but you had to virtually drag me to this movie, in what universe does this mean that I then want your disgusting, clammy, huge-ass hand caressing mine for 3+ hours? Then...the hands moved to her leg. That, my friends, is no bueno. So after readjusting in her seat, Breathing guy's hand removed itself, and the movie watching went on....and on....and on. After what apparently, Breathing guy thought was a spectacular date, he walked Jordan to her car (again) and as she was trying to slip into her car, he planted one on her, and ever so casually tried to slip her the tongue, as well. After Jordan pulled away and threw up in her mouth a little bit, she hopped into her car and sped off.

At around 4 am that morning Jordan was awakened from her sleep by a phone call - she let it ring. Then 30 seconds later, another phone call. And finally another 30 seconds after that, one more call. They were all from, you guessed it, Breathing guy. Now you may be asking yourself, why "Breathing guy" (I was curious myself why she referred to him as this until she got to this point in the story). He left 3 messages for lovely Jordan, each one a solid 4 minutes long of strictly him breathing. Yup, that's right. Creepers left 3 good, long breathing messages. Oh but this wasn't the end - on our way back from lunch, Jordan got a text message from Breathing guy telling her he "had a good time on their date, but isn't looking for anything serious right now, and thinks they should slow things down". WTF?!? Breathing guy belongs not on Jew-date, but in a mental health facility. Well at least it makes for a good story at cocktail parties, right?

1t = 1 big "?"

So I was reading Marie Claire the other day and came across this little "how many miles is he worth" chart, a girls guide for long distance dating of course (dump him if it's over 100 miles). This got me thinking of Sadie, whose "friend" and oft hook-up buddy lives an unbearable 45 miles away. According to Marie, Sadie should hang on to him if he is 'available the weekend of your high school reunion and is cute' (well, duh, of course he has to be cute, otherwise those gas fill ups just aren't worth it). So does 1t pass the test? A cute world traveler with a heart of gold -we're gonna go with yes. But there are so many more questions surrounding 1t: why doesn't he move closer to civilization, could he ever be more than a hook-up buddy, why is he so confusing, and who gives their child a name like his and then spells it with only one "t"? I have to get Sadie on these question asap, but I digress...Well despite the miles we're sure to see more of 1t in the future (especially given some recent scandalous texting) , so check back soon...